It's not always that easy.

I do plan on giving you all a recap on my party bus, Tigers game night. It was a good night until the end. I won't get into what happened at the end, because I don't know what people in my every day life reads my blog. And if any of my co-workers or bosses happen to read my blog, I don't want it to be an issue that's being rehashed. However, I can discuss my feelings about the situation because this is my blog and I've made these feelings very clear. 

After the game and after the party bus I was going to quit my job. Many situations have caused me to have this built up frustration and it's taken a lot to not walk out many of times. I'm not a quitter. If I'm ever going to give up on a job, a dream or any situation it takes a lot. I will spend days, week or months thinking about the pros and cons. 

I would have to say that my biggest flaw is that I hold things in. I'd rather not get into it or call anyone out, so I hold it in. Many times, it eats me alive. But there are so may situations that I find myself in where I just feel like bringing it up will do nothing but give me more reasons to question why I'm in a certain situation. 

I dealt with this with going to school for nursing. I had a professor that was awful. 80% of that class class went to the Dean and I was the only one of those students who returned to class and my professor decided to call me out and tell me that if I actually cared about school and actually tried I would be a 4.0 student. She announced to the rest of the class that my test grades show that I don't care at all. I got up and walked out of that class and next door happened to be the Occupational Therapy open house. I was so upset that I figured going to it would give me a chance to get all of it off my mind. I ended up amazed by what I saw at that open house. I changed my major at that day.

In the past 3 months, I've changed so much. I've gone through things I never thought I'd deal with. I am constantly complimented on how much I've changed for the better. I'm a lot stronger than I've ever been. I'm a lot happier than I've ever been. I'm finding myself. 

I've realized that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be treated with respect. I am willing to go to the end of the world and back for people I care about, I deserve to be surrounded by people who realize that. I don't need to prove that to anyone who doesn't see it. 

Going into a meeting today before my shift I knew that I would have to make the decision to stay or leave. After the meeting, I had to have a talk with a co-worker to see if things could be worked out or if I needed to move on. I still can't figure out where I stand or if I can feel confident with a decision. But, I had to make a decision at least for the time being. When I told my boss that I was staying, I felt so appreciated, but the issue never really had anything to do with my boss that I was dealing with today. He's been there for me 100% through some really hard times that I've been dealing with in my personal life these past few months. That makes it hard. 

For now, I know that I need to focus on myself. There are many situations in my life that I'm still trying to sort out. I need to be selfish. I'm really great at putting everyone else before me even when I know they don't deserve that.  When I say selfish, I mean in a way that I put my happiness first. I will never stop being there for other people, I will never treat others in a way that I wouldn't want to be treated. 

I still have a lot to think about with a lot of things going on in my life. I still have a lot to figure out. I still just don't know where to go from here. I think that right now, in every situation I'm dealing with, I need to take time. I need to really think about everything. 

It's about damn time that my happiness comes first.